


try to try again, to hear yourself again from time to time

by lionskept



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: a trying to be happier ending, ellie goes back to jackson fic, no beta we die like men, not a fix-it but more just, post part 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:46:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25440352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lionskept/pseuds/lionskept
Summary: "Ellie lives in the forest surrounding the farm for a few months after she gets back from California. She can't bring herself to go back, not when she knows the guitar sits right where she left it, its 6 strings laughing at the bloody nubs on her fingers. The empty farmhouse does nothing for her, anyway. So she leaves, but stays close enough that it's there, an option she will never choose."or, Ellie goes back to Jackson and tries again.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie
Comments: 4
Kudos: 40





	try to try again, to hear yourself again from time to time

**Author's Note:**

> i have literally not written anything except poetry and scripts for years, so here it is: my return to fanfiction, curtesy of tlou2 feels.
> 
> please enjoy.

-

Ellie lives in the forest surrounding the farm for a few months after she gets back from California. She can't bring herself to go back, not when she knows the guitar sits right where she left it, its 6 strings laughing at the bloody nubs on her fingers. The empty farmhouse does nothing for her, anyway. So she leaves, but stays close enough that it's there, an option she will never choose.

This forest becomes home for long enough that the stumps close up, and she can stomach the thought of hunting a wild boar again. Ellie lives like this until the weather gets cooler and cooler and snow starts to fall, and when it gets hard to find even a rabbit, she makes her way back to Jackson instead.

-

The guards on duty don't know her, and would have shot her on sight if it weren't for Maria telling them not to. And just like the first time she journeyed to Jackson, Maria lets her in and invites her for lunch.

"We were worried, y'know?" Maria says, while Ellie tries to keep the soup down. "After Dina came back with JJ and you weren't with her. She wouldn't say what happened, but we all assumed the worst. Of course, I'm glad you're okay."

Ellie doesn't say anything, still stuck up on the mention of Dina and JJ - and the farmhouse, empty except for her study and the clean sheets left behind on the bed.

"Ellie?" Maria breaks the spell. "You are okay, right?"

Ellie thinks about the dull guitar sounds from before. "For the most part."

Maria gives her a cursory glance, and then, "Look, for what it's worth, I'm sorry for what Tommy did. He had no right to-"

"It wasn't Tommy's decision, Maria."

"But still, he had no right to place that kind of burden on you."

"It's not his fault." Ellie says it heavy, in a way that makes Maria stop.

Ellie keeps trying with the soup. At some point she was served bread, and so she tries at that too, if only to avoid Maria's gaze every time she looks away from the food.

When she can't keep forcing the food down, Maria tells her, "Your place is still free, if you want it."

Ellie's bewildered. "What do you mean?"

"Are you staying?"

"I don't know. No? I think? No, I think I'm just passing by. I'll be gone in a week."

"You have a place here, y'know? Everyone at Jackson will be glad to have you."

"Yeah sure," Ellie snorts. "Everyone but Dina."

"How do you know that?"

"How do I know?" And, oh wow, Ellie did not mean for it to sound like that, but it's too late to take it back. "How do you know, Maria? You don't know anything. You don't know what I did to her."

Everyone is staring at them now. At Ellie, specifically. Her palms lay flat on the table, arms extended so she could leave. When had she stood up?

Maria shoots them all a look, then turns to Ellie and pulls her back down to sit. "All I know is that raising a child is a lot of work to do on your own, and even though she has help from Jesse's parents, you two always made a pretty good team together."

Ellie lets herself imagine for a moment what it could have been with Jesse around the help raise JJ, and her heart breaks a bit  more. The kid had lost so much before he could even walk. How could she do that to her little potato? "Do you think we still do?"

"I'm not sure. But Dina has a big heart. Wouldn't you like to try?"

There's a pause. Ellie feels like she should say something, but even though her mouth moves, nothing comes out.

"Look, all I'm saying is that your place is open, and the keys are on your table if you want them." 

Maria leaves the diner, and Ellie sits until her soup is cold all the way through before doing the same.

-

Ellie takes the long route around Jackson. She almost makes it to her place, but her place was connected to Joel's place and that made it hurt too much.

Instead, she walks across to the cemetery and all the way to Joel's grave. There are no flowers, but it looks like it's been cleaned recently and she has a sinking suspicion of who did it.

"Hi, Joel." Ellie sits opposite his tombstone, not knowing what else to say. "You really are such an ass, leaving me before our movie night." She exhales. "Even like this, it's hard to talk to you. Fuck. I wish I had the guitar."

She rests her head on the marble and hums their song until the sun sets. If someone had called out to her in that familiar southern accent, she pretends not to hear it.

-

The porch lights are still on. That's good. Maria had told her that Dina was raising JJ with Jesse's parents, so Ellie hopes she's at the right place.

Ellie works up the courage to knock thrice, then steps off the porch and waits forsomeone to answer. 

It's Dina who opens the door, and Dina who steps forward in silence.

Ellie waits for what she knows is coming.

"I heard you were back," Dina says. "And all in one piece, too."

Ellie just nods and waits some more. She thinks she deserves to be the one waiting for once in her life.

It takes a long, long while before Dina breaks the silence, and the harshness of her voice is almost worse. "We had a family! She didn't get to be more important than us, and you let her be."

"I didn't do it,"Ellie says in a rush. She can't take it anymore. "She was there, and I couldn't stop thinking about you, and JJ, and hell even Joel, and I let her go."

Dina shakes her head. "That doesn't change anything. I asked you to stay, and you left. I'm not sure if I can forgive you for that."

Her gaze is beyond Ellie then, almost as if her eyes were looking for something but not quite knowing what, so Ellie takes the chance to look at her. Really look. Ellie remembers that night by the bonfire, and one of the few good days in Seattle when they stopped for a moment and she sang a song that Joel had taught her way back when.

"But I think I can try." Dina's searching eyes find her's. She doesn't look away.

She remembers the first time they did this, of how close they had been back then compared to the distance of now. Of the way Dina had first kissed her and Joel had stood up for them both despite it all. Of this same conversation, roles reversed.

Would Dina still be lucky to have her now? After everything she's done and left behind?

She thinks of JJ and understands. "I'd like that."

Dina nods. Ellie just stands there, taking everything in and Dina's halfway back inside before she feels like she can gather the courage to say, "Wait. Dina."

Dina stops and turns around but doesn't come any closer.

"Is. I just need to know- you don't have to answer but, JJ, is he-?"

"He's fine, Ellie. I'll see you around." And then the door closes and Dina's gone.

Ellie takes a breath before she makes the walk back to her little shed.

-

The shed is open. Ellie takes a look around and sees the keys on the table, just as she was promised.

It feels simultaneously too small and too big for her now, like she'd outgrown it and had nothing left to fill it with.

But she can try.

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this in an hour and just didnt beta read it, so its a bit rough but hope you like it anyway.
> 
> kudos/comment for more tlou content maybe??


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